Date #3: Tall, Dark, & Divorced

Date 3: Laurel Hardware

[Totally forgot to blog about #3 and it’s just too good not to]

Date #3 picked me up from my office on a Thursday and took me to get drinks at Laurel Hardware, my choice. Little did he know, I only chose this spot because I knew Vig would be at the bar, but we’ll get to that part of the story later. Anyways, you know I said I hate the awkward moments in dates? Well this was one of them.

I was downstairs at a bar in the lobby getting post-work drinks with a  co-worker when he arrived. When I asked how I’d know which car was his, his response was “it’s a big blue one, you’ll know”. I thought this was kind of weird until I walked outside and saw the biggest bluest car I had ever see in my life. This car was at least 3 feet off the ground with no ledge to help me up. He was a gentleman and gave me a hand but I still had to do this awkward little hop skip jump thing to get myself in, and obviously I was in a short dress and heels with no underwear. It didn’t stop once I made it into the car. There were no windows, it was completely exposed and it was a cool 70 which is downright chilly in LA. I was openly freezing, I couldn’t even pretend that my jaw wasn’t chattering as we drove to the restaurant. He came prepared and whipped out a blanket for me. Cars are not made to require blankets, like come on.. UGH.

We got to LH and searched for a seat at the bar, but it was full so we stood around in the crowd and grabbed drinks until a spot opened up. He was tall, dark hair, tatted sleeve, overall 7/10. He only seemed slightly older than me but after a couple minutes of conversation I discovered that he was 10 years older than me, older than I expected. He was former military and had served in the special ops unit in Iraq, breaking into hideouts of the bad guys. My first thought was Huck from Scandal and I had a million questions for him. Idk if I’ve mentioned it yet, but I LOVE myself a good conspiracy theory so hearing dirty secrets of our government is my fav. I quizzed him on everything, like “have you ever killed someone?” (and obvious yes, probably hundreds of people by the naïve look he gave me when I asked that), “have you ever tortured anyone? Our government totally tortures people right?” (see answer 1) and a bunch of other dumb questions.

I also learned a little about his personal life, he worked at an auto shop rebuilding old cars and had moved to LA from SF a couple years ago for a girl. By this point, we had found seats at the bar and he ordered us a pizza. I was also kind of bored of the date and would have rather gotten an Uber and stopped at McDonald’s. but whatever, we were having a fine time. From across the bar I could tell that Vig and her date (oh yeah, they spied from bar again), and when I checked my phone I discovered that they left because they got paranoid that #3 was staring at them from across the bar.

At first I figured they were just being dramatic, but then things got a little weird on my end too. I had brought Vig up in conversation somehow and he asked me if any of my pics on Hinge had her in them, and if he could see a picture of her. Weird right?? So I panicked and showed him a picture of another one of our friends just in case he had actually seen her at the bar. Once we discussed post-date and I mentioned he was special ops, we decided that his job was to spot people and that there was a good chance he recognized her from my profile pics. Whoops. Which brings me to the final act.

The moment that I knew there was no future for me and #3 and the moment that I realized a divorce is probably a deal breaker for me. With our mouths full of pizza, he casually dropped the line “well yeah when you’ve been married for 13 years” and preceded to tell me that he had been married for 13 years but the whore cheated on him while he was on duty and they broke up 8 months ago. Ummmm HELLO that is not first date shit… amiright??

Date 5: Two-Date Tommy


By now I’ve decided that I’ve learned something from each date. It’s only been a couple but I genuinely feel like I’m starting to learn what I do and don’t want. Sooo date 5’s theme is that it’s fun to just kiss someone.  Date 5 even has a theme song!!! Play “Begin Again” by T Swift as you read this if you want to really get in my head.

Going into tonight’s date I honestly didn’t have any expectations, I was about to leave for Mexico for my best friend’s wedding so I was running around doing a million things and didn’t have enough time to stress out over it. Plus I hadn’t talked to him much before hand. WE met for drinks at The Hudson after work on a Monday (I think). I was running late and showed up fashionably late with him waiting at the bar. He’d already ordered a drink and was almost done with it, so I already knew this guy was right up my alley. I hate when someone doesn’t order a drink while they’re waiting…like HELLO you’ve got to be bored, just order a fucking drink to kill some time till my late ass shows up.

He was cute. As in like nice guy cute. As in the kind of guy that I’d normally not be into at allllll. But for some reason we just clicked. He seemed NORMAL.  5 is the first one that I feel like I’ve had instant chemistry with. I mean I had the instant attraction to 1 but we didn’t even kiss the first night. Our bar stools were turned towards each other, we couldn’t stop laughing, and somewhere between the 2nd and 3rd round (I think, don’t quote me), he leaned in and kissed me. The kiss felt GOOD guys. It just felt natural. We kissed all night long and he walked me to my car and opened the door for me and we kissed some more. It was like something out of a movie, minus him whacking my face with the car door, but it was kinda hot. I felt like I was in high school. I forgot how fun it can be to make out with someone you like with no expectation of it going further. 


The morning after our date, he sent me a text about how much fun he had and how he’d love to see me again after I got back from Mexico. Obviously I have commitment issues and was instantly freaked out by this. He’s got to be some weirdo if he texts THE DAY AFTER our first date, like come on play a little hard to get dude. A couple days later I was off to Mexico and met a couple fuck boys there. Clearly I wasn’t looking to marry someone I met in Mexico but just seeing how douchey they were did make me realize that “hey maybe a nice guy wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world”. And all of a sudden 5 wasn’t looking too bad again. I was actually EXCITED to go on a second date with him.

Does this mean I have a crush???


New Hinge account, who dis?

DATE #1: 

So for those of you who don’t know, I love black dudes. I think this originated from my love for Drake. And the mixed babies we could make together. And the big bulging muscles. Plus all the Kardashians are doing it and I’d jump off a cliff if they told me to. So, like any good best friend, Vig set up my first date with a hot black guy who played football in college (thanks again, girl).  Clearly we’re doing this whole experiment for a reason, and part of it is that I absolutely fucking hate first dates. They give me anxiety, I think of about every single thing that could go wrong.

Realistically I know the world isn’t going to end because of one bad date, but I can’t help it. I think it’s cuz I’m a perfectionist and there are just SO many opportunities for awkward moments to pop up. Like what if you get to the bar and there’s no seats but you’re the first one there? Or if he thinks its drinks and I think it’s dinner and order an entree while he just stares? Or he asks the waitress to leave with us and have a threesome? (that one actually happened). Or he’s wearing ugly shoes and I just can’t mentally stay in a conversation with someone while all I can think about is their ugly shoes?

Bringing an entourage along on the date definitely made me feel better about it, but then there’s the whole other element of if it sucks, not only does it suck, but 4 of my best friends get to WITNESS it sucking and I can’t just pretend like it never happened. The upside was worth it though, so thank god they agreed to tag along and drink at the bar while I subjected myself to date numero uno. Plus it feels kinda sneaky to have your friends creeping on your date while he’s oblivious to it and I LOVE being sneaky.

After an extensive analysis on our Uber there, we decided that I should walk in first and my friends would follow and I’d pretend I didn’t know them. My next fear was what if I don’t even recognize him (cuz I hadn’t seen a pic yet) but I think that’s always kinda easy bc how many people are waiting alone at the bar for a blind date.  The conversation went well, we didn’t have any awkward silences, I wasn’t annoyed with him, and his shoes were okay. PHEW! He told me he had to dip at 10 because he had a conference call which was good cuz it gave us a solid out, none of that awkward how long do we stay stuff. But then afterwords, I realized that “shit that was probably not true at all, who has a conference call at 10pm on a Friday”. A little part of me was worried that he wasn’t into it and wanted an excuse, but can I blame him for doing the same thing I would have if I’d thought of it?

OK now on to the mid-date update. This part is actually genius. Halfway through the date, I went to the bathroom and passed my friends and loudly said “excuse me” so Vig would hear and could come meet me in the stall to give her the run down. She met me in the handicap stall and brought a shot to give me a boost in case I needed a little bit of a relief. What a good friend.

After having one drink, date #1 had his “call” so, like a gentleman, he walked me down to Rush Street, a bar up the road where the entourage was waiting. (I obviously told him that they just happened to be there, but looking back that is not very realistic bc I had just told him that I never come out in this area). The minute I gave any detail, Vig of course stalked him, and informed me that the school he played football at is actually good(University of Miami). This obviously turned me on a million times more. After that we went to a strip club to celebrate and we all lived happily ever after.


AND we may or may not have hung out the next day. To be continued……