Date #6: Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems

Date #6: Lakers Game + Yard House

OH GOD. Where do I even start with date 6. My only clues from Vig on this one were that he’s rich and a soccer player. We didn’t talk at alllll before the date, he texted me last minute on a Friday and asked if I had plans for the night and if I wanted to go to the Lakers game with him. I didn’t have anything else to do so I figured I’d give it a shot. Plus they were playing the Raptors and I know Drake likes that team so I was hoping he’d be there.

I haven’t been using names but when it comes to date 6 I just DGAF bc it’s JRAKE. No, that’s not a typo for Jake, that is DRAKE WITH A J. Half of me was just confused and half of me was excited that this would become my own personal Drake. first thing I noticed was his accent. He was a little hard to understand, it sounded like a Jamaican or something like that…I still don’t think I can put my finger on it. Right away he started flashing his money and throwing cash around. Literally. When he emptied his pockets for security he threw a handful of $100 bills on the conveyer belt to go through the metal detector. He was tall and black and an athlete and our seats were pretty close…on paper it was all a perfect match.

I don’t even know where to start on the reality of it. We were making normal conversation (kind of, he was def dropping some hints that he was a little bit of a fuck boy) and then all of a sudden he said:

Jrake: so do you get starstruck?
Me: (oh god I fucking hate when people name drop) no not really haha why
Jrake: one time like two years ago I saw Trey Songz in an elevator at a hotel and my buddy was all star struck but I played it cool. I told him “yooo man, your music gets me laid all the time, I love fucking to that shit”
Me: (silence waiting for the rest of the story)
Jrake: haha yeah it was funny

I think that was the moment when I texted Vig, who was across the stadium, and told her “shit I think he has a lot of money but idk if I can do it, he’s a fucking douchebag”. She convinced me to stay for her own entertainment as always. We met Vig at Yardhouse after the game for a couple drinks. It was normal-ish, he was still throwing cash and buying all my drinks and buying tequila for the whole bar so I wasn’t complaining. The guy next to him started talking to him and Jrake leaned over to me and told me in confidence “he’s a fan…this happens a lot, I’m in the FIFA video game so people recognize me”.

I could tell that Jrake was into me from the way he was acting…normal things for a first date like telling his fans that I was his girlfriend, inviting me on weekend getaways, reassuring me that I’m his baby, stuff like that. When he went to the bathroom he left his wallet with me and said “here hold this, you’re my baby girl now so what’s mine is yours”.

Somehow between the tequila and the glimmer of hope that I could have a new sugar daddy I decided to stay at the bar with him after my friends had left. WHAT WAS I THINKING. Actually I know exactly what I was thinking….”wow this guy just said that his mom gets mad at him for spoiling his girlfriends too much too soon, maybe I can get a fucking car out of this. or at least some jewelry. You can do it Alex”.

He had plans to go out with his friends after our date so I figured I had an easy out anyways. After another drink, we were on our way, he was going to take me home on the way to meet up with his friends. We went to a parking lot and instead of getting his own car, he took the car of the guy who was working at the parking lot. still a little confused about the details of that, he said something about how his dad owned the lot and he didn’t want to take his nice car since he’d been drinking. In the car he offered to ditch the club and hang out with me because “he doesn’t want to put me in the situation of having to watch other girls hit on him all night”. UMM okay I wasn’t even coming in the first place, but hey thanks for thinking of me. I assured him that I was tired and 100000% okay with us parting ways. He asked to come up and use my bathroom when he dropped me off. I said yes like an idiot. And then he just DIDN’T LEAVE.

This part is actually super uncomfortable for me to write about because it makes me feel gross to even acknowledge. We didn’t have sex or anything but it was not for his lack of trying. I told him I wasn’t going to sleep with him from the beginning and he did not stop trying. Thinking about the vulgar things he whispered in my ear all night long makes me want to vomit. Looking back the amount of effort he put into it after I told him no is appalling. The obvious answer would have been to kick him out, but I felt too uncomfortable to tell him that he needed to leave, which is ridiculous, it was my fucking house.

He texted me the day after and said “hey love, hope you’re having a good day, let me know if you want to hang out tonight.” I politely declined and over the next couple days he kept it up with a string of awkward/overwhelming/weird texts. After a couple weeks of me avoiding him, he asked if he could come pick up his watch (oh yeah he left his watch that was supposedly 30k at our house – we STRONGLY considered bringing it to a pawn shop but didn’t follow through). I think he FINALLY got the hint that I wasn’t into him when I responded that I’d just messenger it to him instead of actually having to see him in person for 5 minutes.

Lesson #6 – I can’t date someone for their money, I’m just going to have to find a sugar daddy that I can actually stand to be around I guess. Oh well.

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Date #3: Tall, Dark, & Divorced

Date 3: Laurel Hardware

[Totally forgot to blog about #3 and it’s just too good not to]

Date #3 picked me up from my office on a Thursday and took me to get drinks at Laurel Hardware, my choice. Little did he know, I only chose this spot because I knew Vig would be at the bar, but we’ll get to that part of the story later. Anyways, you know I said I hate the awkward moments in dates? Well this was one of them.

I was downstairs at a bar in the lobby getting post-work drinks with a  co-worker when he arrived. When I asked how I’d know which car was his, his response was “it’s a big blue one, you’ll know”. I thought this was kind of weird until I walked outside and saw the biggest bluest car I had ever see in my life. This car was at least 3 feet off the ground with no ledge to help me up. He was a gentleman and gave me a hand but I still had to do this awkward little hop skip jump thing to get myself in, and obviously I was in a short dress and heels with no underwear. It didn’t stop once I made it into the car. There were no windows, it was completely exposed and it was a cool 70 which is downright chilly in LA. I was openly freezing, I couldn’t even pretend that my jaw wasn’t chattering as we drove to the restaurant. He came prepared and whipped out a blanket for me. Cars are not made to require blankets, like come on.. UGH.

We got to LH and searched for a seat at the bar, but it was full so we stood around in the crowd and grabbed drinks until a spot opened up. He was tall, dark hair, tatted sleeve, overall 7/10. He only seemed slightly older than me but after a couple minutes of conversation I discovered that he was 10 years older than me, older than I expected. He was former military and had served in the special ops unit in Iraq, breaking into hideouts of the bad guys. My first thought was Huck from Scandal and I had a million questions for him. Idk if I’ve mentioned it yet, but I LOVE myself a good conspiracy theory so hearing dirty secrets of our government is my fav. I quizzed him on everything, like “have you ever killed someone?” (and obvious yes, probably hundreds of people by the naïve look he gave me when I asked that), “have you ever tortured anyone? Our government totally tortures people right?” (see answer 1) and a bunch of other dumb questions.

I also learned a little about his personal life, he worked at an auto shop rebuilding old cars and had moved to LA from SF a couple years ago for a girl. By this point, we had found seats at the bar and he ordered us a pizza. I was also kind of bored of the date and would have rather gotten an Uber and stopped at McDonald’s. but whatever, we were having a fine time. From across the bar I could tell that Vig and her date (oh yeah, they spied from bar again), and when I checked my phone I discovered that they left because they got paranoid that #3 was staring at them from across the bar.

At first I figured they were just being dramatic, but then things got a little weird on my end too. I had brought Vig up in conversation somehow and he asked me if any of my pics on Hinge had her in them, and if he could see a picture of her. Weird right?? So I panicked and showed him a picture of another one of our friends just in case he had actually seen her at the bar. Once we discussed post-date and I mentioned he was special ops, we decided that his job was to spot people and that there was a good chance he recognized her from my profile pics. Whoops. Which brings me to the final act.

The moment that I knew there was no future for me and #3 and the moment that I realized a divorce is probably a deal breaker for me. With our mouths full of pizza, he casually dropped the line “well yeah when you’ve been married for 13 years” and preceded to tell me that he had been married for 13 years but the whore cheated on him while he was on duty and they broke up 8 months ago. Ummmm HELLO that is not first date shit… amiright??

The Gee-Spot

As if our entertaining stories and ridiculous style of writing wasn’t already the biggest blessing in your life, the Alex’s are about to give you the ultimate key to life success. Welcome to The Gee-Spot, where we will be breaking down the lessons we’ve learned from each date, providing you all the essential info you need to go from hoe to housewife! We will both be documenting what we’ve taken from each date as the matchmaker, and as the bachelorette. For easy access, we’ve created a new tab on top, check it out! You’re welcome. But, you bitches better blow up our inbox with your success stories and tell us how we made all your wildest dreams come true!

 

With the help of our bestie, Chardonnay, we’ve reflected on our experience so far and broken down the lessons we’ve both learned so far. I mean, I’m no critic, but you guys, this shit is GOLD! Go click on the new Gee Spot tab at the top of the page, and take notes! Don’t be shy, comment your thoughts, or tell us a lesson you’ve learned through your experiences. We’ll discuss them in our first Gee-Spot Vlog, which is coming soon!