Date #6: Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems

Date #6: Lakers Game + Yard House

OH GOD. Where do I even start with date 6. My only clues from Vig on this one were that he’s rich and a soccer player. We didn’t talk at alllll before the date, he texted me last minute on a Friday and asked if I had plans for the night and if I wanted to go to the Lakers game with him. I didn’t have anything else to do so I figured I’d give it a shot. Plus they were playing the Raptors and I know Drake likes that team so I was hoping he’d be there.

I haven’t been using names but when it comes to date 6 I just DGAF bc it’s JRAKE. No, that’s not a typo for Jake, that is DRAKE WITH A J. Half of me was just confused and half of me was excited that this would become my own personal Drake. first thing I noticed was his accent. He was a little hard to understand, it sounded like a Jamaican or something like that…I still don’t think I can put my finger on it. Right away he started flashing his money and throwing cash around. Literally. When he emptied his pockets for security he threw a handful of $100 bills on the conveyer belt to go through the metal detector. He was tall and black and an athlete and our seats were pretty close…on paper it was all a perfect match.

I don’t even know where to start on the reality of it. We were making normal conversation (kind of, he was def dropping some hints that he was a little bit of a fuck boy) and then all of a sudden he said:

Jrake: so do you get starstruck?
Me: (oh god I fucking hate when people name drop) no not really haha why
Jrake: one time like two years ago I saw Trey Songz in an elevator at a hotel and my buddy was all star struck but I played it cool. I told him “yooo man, your music gets me laid all the time, I love fucking to that shit”
Me: (silence waiting for the rest of the story)
Jrake: haha yeah it was funny

I think that was the moment when I texted Vig, who was across the stadium, and told her “shit I think he has a lot of money but idk if I can do it, he’s a fucking douchebag”. She convinced me to stay for her own entertainment as always. We met Vig at Yardhouse after the game for a couple drinks. It was normal-ish, he was still throwing cash and buying all my drinks and buying tequila for the whole bar so I wasn’t complaining. The guy next to him started talking to him and Jrake leaned over to me and told me in confidence “he’s a fan…this happens a lot, I’m in the FIFA video game so people recognize me”.

I could tell that Jrake was into me from the way he was acting…normal things for a first date like telling his fans that I was his girlfriend, inviting me on weekend getaways, reassuring me that I’m his baby, stuff like that. When he went to the bathroom he left his wallet with me and said “here hold this, you’re my baby girl now so what’s mine is yours”.

Somehow between the tequila and the glimmer of hope that I could have a new sugar daddy I decided to stay at the bar with him after my friends had left. WHAT WAS I THINKING. Actually I know exactly what I was thinking….”wow this guy just said that his mom gets mad at him for spoiling his girlfriends too much too soon, maybe I can get a fucking car out of this. or at least some jewelry. You can do it Alex”.

He had plans to go out with his friends after our date so I figured I had an easy out anyways. After another drink, we were on our way, he was going to take me home on the way to meet up with his friends. We went to a parking lot and instead of getting his own car, he took the car of the guy who was working at the parking lot. still a little confused about the details of that, he said something about how his dad owned the lot and he didn’t want to take his nice car since he’d been drinking. In the car he offered to ditch the club and hang out with me because “he doesn’t want to put me in the situation of having to watch other girls hit on him all night”. UMM okay I wasn’t even coming in the first place, but hey thanks for thinking of me. I assured him that I was tired and 100000% okay with us parting ways. He asked to come up and use my bathroom when he dropped me off. I said yes like an idiot. And then he just DIDN’T LEAVE.

This part is actually super uncomfortable for me to write about because it makes me feel gross to even acknowledge. We didn’t have sex or anything but it was not for his lack of trying. I told him I wasn’t going to sleep with him from the beginning and he did not stop trying. Thinking about the vulgar things he whispered in my ear all night long makes me want to vomit. Looking back the amount of effort he put into it after I told him no is appalling. The obvious answer would have been to kick him out, but I felt too uncomfortable to tell him that he needed to leave, which is ridiculous, it was my fucking house.

He texted me the day after and said “hey love, hope you’re having a good day, let me know if you want to hang out tonight.” I politely declined and over the next couple days he kept it up with a string of awkward/overwhelming/weird texts. After a couple weeks of me avoiding him, he asked if he could come pick up his watch (oh yeah he left his watch that was supposedly 30k at our house – we STRONGLY considered bringing it to a pawn shop but didn’t follow through). I think he FINALLY got the hint that I wasn’t into him when I responded that I’d just messenger it to him instead of actually having to see him in person for 5 minutes.

Lesson #6 – I can’t date someone for their money, I’m just going to have to find a sugar daddy that I can actually stand to be around I guess. Oh well.


Date #3: Tall, Dark, & Divorced

Date 3: Laurel Hardware

[Totally forgot to blog about #3 and it’s just too good not to]

Date #3 picked me up from my office on a Thursday and took me to get drinks at Laurel Hardware, my choice. Little did he know, I only chose this spot because I knew Vig would be at the bar, but we’ll get to that part of the story later. Anyways, you know I said I hate the awkward moments in dates? Well this was one of them.

I was downstairs at a bar in the lobby getting post-work drinks with a  co-worker when he arrived. When I asked how I’d know which car was his, his response was “it’s a big blue one, you’ll know”. I thought this was kind of weird until I walked outside and saw the biggest bluest car I had ever see in my life. This car was at least 3 feet off the ground with no ledge to help me up. He was a gentleman and gave me a hand but I still had to do this awkward little hop skip jump thing to get myself in, and obviously I was in a short dress and heels with no underwear. It didn’t stop once I made it into the car. There were no windows, it was completely exposed and it was a cool 70 which is downright chilly in LA. I was openly freezing, I couldn’t even pretend that my jaw wasn’t chattering as we drove to the restaurant. He came prepared and whipped out a blanket for me. Cars are not made to require blankets, like come on.. UGH.

We got to LH and searched for a seat at the bar, but it was full so we stood around in the crowd and grabbed drinks until a spot opened up. He was tall, dark hair, tatted sleeve, overall 7/10. He only seemed slightly older than me but after a couple minutes of conversation I discovered that he was 10 years older than me, older than I expected. He was former military and had served in the special ops unit in Iraq, breaking into hideouts of the bad guys. My first thought was Huck from Scandal and I had a million questions for him. Idk if I’ve mentioned it yet, but I LOVE myself a good conspiracy theory so hearing dirty secrets of our government is my fav. I quizzed him on everything, like “have you ever killed someone?” (and obvious yes, probably hundreds of people by the naïve look he gave me when I asked that), “have you ever tortured anyone? Our government totally tortures people right?” (see answer 1) and a bunch of other dumb questions.

I also learned a little about his personal life, he worked at an auto shop rebuilding old cars and had moved to LA from SF a couple years ago for a girl. By this point, we had found seats at the bar and he ordered us a pizza. I was also kind of bored of the date and would have rather gotten an Uber and stopped at McDonald’s. but whatever, we were having a fine time. From across the bar I could tell that Vig and her date (oh yeah, they spied from bar again), and when I checked my phone I discovered that they left because they got paranoid that #3 was staring at them from across the bar.

At first I figured they were just being dramatic, but then things got a little weird on my end too. I had brought Vig up in conversation somehow and he asked me if any of my pics on Hinge had her in them, and if he could see a picture of her. Weird right?? So I panicked and showed him a picture of another one of our friends just in case he had actually seen her at the bar. Once we discussed post-date and I mentioned he was special ops, we decided that his job was to spot people and that there was a good chance he recognized her from my profile pics. Whoops. Which brings me to the final act.

The moment that I knew there was no future for me and #3 and the moment that I realized a divorce is probably a deal breaker for me. With our mouths full of pizza, he casually dropped the line “well yeah when you’ve been married for 13 years” and preceded to tell me that he had been married for 13 years but the whore cheated on him while he was on duty and they broke up 8 months ago. Ummmm HELLO that is not first date shit… amiright??

The Gee-Spot

As if our entertaining stories and ridiculous style of writing wasn’t already the biggest blessing in your life, the Alex’s are about to give you the ultimate key to life success. Welcome to The Gee-Spot, where we will be breaking down the lessons we’ve learned from each date, providing you all the essential info you need to go from hoe to housewife! We will both be documenting what we’ve taken from each date as the matchmaker, and as the bachelorette. For easy access, we’ve created a new tab on top, check it out! You’re welcome. But, you bitches better blow up our inbox with your success stories and tell us how we made all your wildest dreams come true!


With the help of our bestie, Chardonnay, we’ve reflected on our experience so far and broken down the lessons we’ve both learned so far. I mean, I’m no critic, but you guys, this shit is GOLD! Go click on the new Gee Spot tab at the top of the page, and take notes! Don’t be shy, comment your thoughts, or tell us a lesson you’ve learned through your experiences. We’ll discuss them in our first Gee-Spot Vlog, which is coming soon!

Date 5: Two-Date Tommy


By now I’ve decided that I’ve learned something from each date. It’s only been a couple but I genuinely feel like I’m starting to learn what I do and don’t want. Sooo date 5’s theme is that it’s fun to just kiss someone.  Date 5 even has a theme song!!! Play “Begin Again” by T Swift as you read this if you want to really get in my head.

Going into tonight’s date I honestly didn’t have any expectations, I was about to leave for Mexico for my best friend’s wedding so I was running around doing a million things and didn’t have enough time to stress out over it. Plus I hadn’t talked to him much before hand. WE met for drinks at The Hudson after work on a Monday (I think). I was running late and showed up fashionably late with him waiting at the bar. He’d already ordered a drink and was almost done with it, so I already knew this guy was right up my alley. I hate when someone doesn’t order a drink while they’re waiting…like HELLO you’ve got to be bored, just order a fucking drink to kill some time till my late ass shows up.

He was cute. As in like nice guy cute. As in the kind of guy that I’d normally not be into at allllll. But for some reason we just clicked. He seemed NORMAL.  5 is the first one that I feel like I’ve had instant chemistry with. I mean I had the instant attraction to 1 but we didn’t even kiss the first night. Our bar stools were turned towards each other, we couldn’t stop laughing, and somewhere between the 2nd and 3rd round (I think, don’t quote me), he leaned in and kissed me. The kiss felt GOOD guys. It just felt natural. We kissed all night long and he walked me to my car and opened the door for me and we kissed some more. It was like something out of a movie, minus him whacking my face with the car door, but it was kinda hot. I felt like I was in high school. I forgot how fun it can be to make out with someone you like with no expectation of it going further. 


The morning after our date, he sent me a text about how much fun he had and how he’d love to see me again after I got back from Mexico. Obviously I have commitment issues and was instantly freaked out by this. He’s got to be some weirdo if he texts THE DAY AFTER our first date, like come on play a little hard to get dude. A couple days later I was off to Mexico and met a couple fuck boys there. Clearly I wasn’t looking to marry someone I met in Mexico but just seeing how douchey they were did make me realize that “hey maybe a nice guy wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world”. And all of a sudden 5 wasn’t looking too bad again. I was actually EXCITED to go on a second date with him.

Does this mean I have a crush???


Date 4: The Nice Guy

Date #4: Dinner & An Escape Room

Ahhh Date 4. To be honest, I had to ask Vig before I wrote this what his name was because at this point I had completely forgotten. And even after asking her last night, I forgot again. Oh well, sorry number 4. He’s a software engineer for NASA and probably takes his dog to the park every Sunday and will be an amazing husband to some girl some day. (so naturally I had no attraction to him)

We made plans for a Sunday, and the second he texted me his idea I knew it was never going to work. He suggested a late morning hike with him and his great dane. Making plans before 5 on a weekend, big dogs who slobber, and nature with nothing to distract us from each other….all my favorite things!!! Needless to say, I suggested a “Halloween activity” as an alternate. I like the idea of doing something other than meeting for drinks on a first date but all of the above was just too much for me. The revised plan was dinner and an escape room. I had a slight panic attack when Sunday came at the idea of spending so much time with him on the first date. All the dates up until now have just been drinks, which is way more in my element and what I’m comfortable with. Dinner AND an activity is a lot. He suggested an organic restaurant and I politely requested one that serves alcohol…

After dinner we drove to the Escape Room in Hollywood where we were the only 2 in our time slot so we had to go at it alone. It was my first escape room, and I’m a smart girl so I had high hopes for myself on carrying our team. I came nowhere close. 4 was really nice about it though, he kept encouraging me. I could literally state the obvious and he’d cheer for me and act like I contributed something to the team, what a nice guy. (though PS we’re on number 6 as I write this and he’s the only guy who didn’t text me after the date, so maybe he’s not that nice. Or he just thinks I’m a drunk idiot….?) But anyways we made it out of the escape room in time, and he gave me a high five and a hug as a congratulations. Bless his little heart. He drove me home and we said our goodbyes. The lesson I learned from this date (well I’ve learned this before but reinforced on this date) is that you just can’t fake a spark. I wanted there to be one. He was a nice guy who works for NASA! But it just wasn’t there. Why don’t the nice guys ever give me a spark???

According to He’s Just Not That Into You, “guys invented the spark so that they could not call, and treat you kind of bad, and keep you guessing, and they convince you that that anxiety and that fear that they’re throwing at you is actually, just a spark.”

If a guy doesn’t give me those anxious butterflies wondering if he likes me, or if he’s going to call me, if he’s going to kiss me, if his girlfriend is going to find out, if this will turn into anything, then what’s the point? I get bored. The problem is that guys like #4 don’t fuck with you like that. So there’s no spark.  I’ve gotta believe that some nice guy exists who can give me the good kind of excitement right? According to my mom, I’ll grow out of this and will some day be attracted to the nice guy like she was. Hmmm, we’ll see. Wish me luck!

Date 2: Pics Can Be Deceiving

Date #2: Drinks in Santa Monica

We agreed to get drinks in Santa Monica, but hadn’t chosen a place so to start we met for drinks at Enterprise Fish Co an decided to go from there. I showed up and my first thought was “I can’t believe that bitch thought I’d be into him”, but after I updated Vig, we realized that his pics were just about 10 years old. Ugh honestly even writing this post is painful thinking back to how fucking annoying/uncomfortable this date was.  Okay I’m totally being extra right now, he was not THAT bad.

At the first place we each got a drink and I could already tell he was about to take this shit SERIOUS. He seemed like he was just a serious person. AKA boring. And old. He started asking all the official first date questions…”what are you looking for?, why did your last relationship end?, what qualities are you looking for in someone?, blah blah blah..” I feel like I have no answer to those things because I don’t KNOW what I’m looking for, it changes day to day on if I want a relationship or just want to keep having fun. Hmm. Anyways, he grilled me and I choked out some responses and didn’t reciprocate the questions, so I figured by now he could tell that I wasn’t into it. Right? Wrong.

He took me to a second bar, and I should have stopped him right there before it went any further. I should have said “hey you seem like a great guy but I’m just not feeling it, I think I’m gunna head home.” But no, I can’t handle confrontation.  He asked me how tall I am (okay kinda weird but whatever),  I responded 5’4″ he asked me to stand up. Like okay, do you not believe me? And, I’m in heels so what is the point? Turns out this was his move. Once he had me standing in front of him, he asked for a hug….in the middle of the bar…..and then KISSED ME.  Naturally I didn’t know how to respond so I just gave an awkward giggle and said I had to go to the bathroom. Once I made it to safety, I sat in a stall and tried to give myself a pep talk to get back out there.

Without Vig creeping on this date, I felt all alone and decided to make some friends in the bathroom. I found two girls around my age and explained the whole story to them, right up to the weird hug-kiss in the middle of the bar (cringe). They came to my rescue!! One of them, let’s call her Heather, crafted up a plan to get me out of it. she was going to come up to our table and act like she hadn’t seen me since we went to college together in Michigan, then we’d be so overjoyed at seeing each other that I would HAVE to leave #2 and join them. Relieved that I was about to be free, I returned to my table to finish my drink. Then I saw Heather walking back to her table and it ended up being RIGHT NEXT TO OURS. So there goes our plan. From the table over I could see Heather filling in the table of girls on my situation and I could NOT keep a straight face. To the point where he asked me if I knew them. I panicked and said “idk I think so, they look familiar but I can’t place where from.” LOL. Whatever.

I lasted through the rest of the drink then told him I had to work early the next day and was heading home. On our way out, I waved goodbye to Heather and her friends and completely blew my cover of “maybe I know them.” Honestly I couldn’t have cared less at this point, I was almost out and never going to see this guy again. Outside the bar, he kissed me (again!) and idk why I let him. I just kinda felt bad for the guy at this point. Then the beautiful glowing purple LYFT light pulled up and I escaped date number 2.

One more down! Takeaway from this date: Pics can be deceiving. If you’re reading this, and you have pics over 2 years old, go delete that shit and be real. You just look like an idiot when I show up and you look nothing like your pic. Needless to say, I ghosted his follow-up text. ON TO THE NEXT ONE.